| Hello to all you viewers This is "Deal or No Deal" This week, our guest is Dorothy Hello. How does it feel? I’m really pleased to be here And I’m feeling very keen And so I’ll start proceedings With the number seventeen. Well, Dorothy, good luck to you Let’s open up and see Inside box number seventeen... Hooray! It’s 50p So seventeen, interesting choice. What made you go for that? Well, seventeen's the age of My late husband's neighbour's cat Your method seems to work quite well You sure know how to play! I’ll just pick up the phone, See what the banker has to say Well, come on Noel. Spit it out! What offer did he make? I’ll leave you all to wonder During this commercial break Oh noel, what a star you are! A channel 4 hero! There’s no one quite as good as you Who could present this show I’m really pleased you think so And I really think so too. But can you keep a secret That I’m going to share with you? For now the cameras are switched off To you I shall reveal The REAL reason why I’m hosting Deal or No Deal You see back in the 90s When I worked for BBC I had a family prime time show Called "Noel's House Party" The ratings were astonishing But then, one fateful day The BBC betrayed me And they took my show away My god, I was so angry And so full of bitter rage! How DARE they take my life away And throw me from the stage?! And so, upon that very day I made a solemn vow: I’d get myself back on TV Sometime, somewhere, somehow For six years nothing came along Until eventually Some men in suits from channel 4 Got on the phone to me They said | "We’ve got a job for you "A new exciting show. "It’s not as good as Countdown "But why not give it a go?" When I arrived there I could simply not believe my eyes You mean by picking random numbers People win a prize? The viewers won't enjoy the show There isn't any skill To see my bearded face again Will make them all feel ill And this, my friends, is where My little story takes a twist I knocked on Paul McKenna’s door The TV hypnotist I said to him "I’ve got a show "That no one wants to see "But if you teach me, things could really "Turn around for me "I beg you: teach me how to be "A hypnotist like you "I need those skills to do "Some evil deeds I want to do." He did just what I told him Well, he didn't have a choice I made him do it with my Quite persuading whiny voice So now, although the show was bad I didn't really care For since my training, I’d become Hypnotically aware They'll think of changing channel But before they have the chance I’ll hypnotise the viewers With my crazy stare and dance And everyone, the young and old Will watch me every day They won't know what they're doing But they cannot turn away I’m such a genius, Dorothy My plan has worked so far And soon I’ll take over the world A ha ha ha ha ha! | Oh Noel, you disgusting fiend I knew it all along Why do I watch this stupid show When other things are on? You’ll never get away with this! You crazy bearded loon I’ll tell all the authorities You’ll be arrested soon! I highly doubt that, Dorothy Back in your trance you go For now the cameras are back on Let’s get on with the show I think I’ll leave box 21 I’m saving that ‘til last Well Dorothy, just take your time Hold on Noel! Not so fast! McKenna!! So we meet again What are you doing here? Your show has gone on far too long It ends right now, I fear You think that you can stop me By whatever means and cause? Well my hypnotic powers are now Just as good as yours! Look Noel! Right behind you there! What is that crazy thing? I’d better take a look In case it's something interesting. Hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been tricked There’s nothing there at all No Noel, honestly there is It’s out there in the hall I’m out the door, I’m in the hall What is this all about? Quick, Dorothy! Slam shut the door So he can't get back out! It looks like Noel Edmonds Isn’t such a clever man I tricked him all the way With my extremely simple plan You saved the day! You saved the day! How can we thank you, Paul? You do not need to thank me It was no effort at all! And so the world was safe again With Edmonds locked away But folks, be on your guard He might come back again some day. |